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The Errand and other Irish tales

The Errand and other Irish tales.


McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini
after martini, each time removing the olives and
placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the
drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over
what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin' , said the Irishman, "me wife just
sent me out for a jar of olives!"

********************************

The Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman..

***********************************

Water to wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

******************************

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a
man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi=2 0enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."

*************************************

Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in
a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freighter. While rummaging through
the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would
appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he
could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening
crash, and immediately the entire sea turned
into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle
lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as
the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish
had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
moment, he spoke:

"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

****************************************

The Fall

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet,
he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"


******************************

(And saving the best for last...)

You've Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So, he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound
asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and
intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."

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